Oh No, Not Noah!

A Totally Honest Review of Russell Crowe's new "epic"

I hate to be that girl, but the book was better than the movie. This movie strayed very far from the book, leaving many people confused or even upset. It was drawn out and longer than necessary, with additional plot that makes no connection to the original story.

In The Bible, God speaks to Noah telling him a great flood is coming at this time, in the old testament God spoke directly to people using his voice.

In the movie, Noah is told God’s message through very confusing, trippy dreams with him submerged in water and dead bodies rising.”

Methuselah, Noah’s grandfather, helps him into one of these dreams by drugging him and causing him to pass out. Methuselah in the movie has some random mystical powers, which supposedly fixes reproductive organs. None of this happens in The Bible; he isn’t a magical being.

Tubal-Cain is the villain in this movie. Although he is mentioned in The Bible, he is not there during the time of the great flood, he is the leader of the descendants of Cain. Tubal-Cain makes his way onto the ark and hides away with the help of Noah’s middle son, Ham. In The Bible, there is absolutely no mention of anyone other than Noah’s family and daughter-in-laws on the ship.

This movie has a lot of extra stories making this movie about more than God’s wrath and restarting the Earth. Ham spends the whole movie with jealousy and lust wishing that he had a wife, blaming his father for not getting one. On the ark, Noah and his sons all brought their wives, because they all had wives to bring. Ila is the wife of Shem and is on the ark in The Bible, but in The Bible she is never barren, never has twin girls, and Noah never threatens to kill her children. Noah threatens to kill her children if they are girls, which she has twin girls, because humans are not supposed to survive the flood. Ila has boys in The Bible and is not afraid of Noah. The watchers are fallen angels, that are basically giant CGI stones. In The Bible giants are mentioned before the flood, but have no involvement with the story of Noah.

This movie seems as though it was made for a more secular audience, most of that audience not knowing that it had so many inaccuracies. Emma Watson, who plays Ila, and Jennifer Connelly, Noah’s wife, Naamah, are the only good actors in the movie. A lot of confusing dreams and a lot of rapid flashing lights and images in the movie don’t help or add to the story. If you have epilepsy or get motion sickness, don’t watch this movie. Noah was bad. If you have not seen it yet don’t go, it is not worth your money and not worth your time.